NOTICE: This email has been changed from it's original format. It use to be all caps, but I'm one of those people that reads all caps in my head as being yelled at. I don't really care to be yelled at, so I made it all sentence case. :) Thanks.
Subject: I'm Thankful
Content:
I am thankful...
- For the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight, because she is home with me, not with someone else.
- For the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home not on the streets.
- For the taxes that I pay, because it means that I am employed.
- For the mess to clean after a party, because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
- For the clothes that fit a little too snug, because it means I have enough to eat.
- For my shadow that watches me work, because it means I am out in the sunshine.
- For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing, because it means I have a home.
- For all the complaining I hear about the government, because it means that we have freedom of speech.
- For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot, because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
- For my huge heating bill, because it means I am warm.
- For the lady behind me in church that sings off key, because it means that I can hear.
- For the pile of laundry and ironing, because it means I have clothes to wear.
- For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day, because it means I have been capable of working hard.
- For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours, because it means that I am alive.
- For too much e-mail, because it means i have friends who are thinking of me.
God bless!
Received from 12/02/2002.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Old Emails I Like #24: God's Gift to Man
I don't think anyone will find gender offensiveness in this email. But just to cover all my bases, I think there is no better way to say it: this is not meant to be offensive in in way shape form or fashion; it is meant to be sweet, loving, and complimentary, so please take it as such. luvukthxbye.
Subject: Girls Are From God
Content:
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you.
I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone, I shaped you.... I modeled you.
I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage
supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
You are my perfect angel.....You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes......don't change them. Your lips lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of me.
Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.
So man...... treat women well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile.
Received from Michael Bentley, 03/28/2003.
Subject: Girls Are From God
Content:
When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you. Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone, I fashioned you.
I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone, I shaped you.... I modeled you.
I created you perfectly and beautifully. Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life. The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage
supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
You are my perfect angel.....You are my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes......don't change them. Your lips lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form. Your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep.
I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are most like me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day, yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you; my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support. You are special because you are an extension of me.
Man represents my image, woman my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.
So man...... treat women well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile.
Received from Michael Bentley, 03/28/2003.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Old Emails I Like #23: Friendship - A Definition
This email tells you how to identify your real true friends. Some are funny, but I think all are true. :)
Subject: Friendship--A Definition
Content:
'A REAL FRIEND' DEFINITION!!
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your family. A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you.
Recevied from Matt Marler, 7/18/2005.
Subject: Friendship--A Definition
Content:
'A REAL FRIEND' DEFINITION!!
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps themself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your family. A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you.
Recevied from Matt Marler, 7/18/2005.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Old Emails I Like #22: Jesus, Satan, and Computers
It's time for an old classic and corny story that, I suspect, everyone got at some point in time. It was funny when I was younger, but even more funny to me now because of the experiences I have had over the course of our lives. Although, it might just be another eye-roller for some of y'all. :)
Subject: You Will Love this!
Content:
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Received from Crystal Turner, 03/08/2003.
Subject: You Will Love this!
Content:
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
Received from Crystal Turner, 03/08/2003.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Old Emails I Like #21: Two Wolves
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I was doing good, posting an old email once every day or two, and of course I start slacking off. Anyways, hopefully I can get back on track fairly alright. Anyways, here we go.
Subject: Two Wolves
Content:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Received from Matt Marler, 07/13/2005.
Subject: Two Wolves
Content:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Received from Matt Marler, 07/13/2005.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Old Emails I Like #20: Friends Forever
Yay! Yet another friends one!!
Subject: Friends Forever
Content:
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
If you are my friend,
Please answer this:
Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once, but I forgot.
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say, I am here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven And wait for you.
Received from Crystal Turner, 07/22/2003.
Subject: Friends Forever
Content:
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
If you are my friend,
Please answer this:
Are we friends or are we not?
You told me once, but I forgot.
So tell me now and tell me true,
So I can say, I am here for you.
Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die before you do,
I'll go to Heaven And wait for you.
Received from Crystal Turner, 07/22/2003.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Old Emails I Like #19: Nails in the Fence
Here's another one of those "a good friend" stories. It seems like a fair many of the emails I got had something to do with being a friend. Were people trying to tell me something...? (j/k)
Subject: Nails in the Fence
Content:
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Received from Matt Marler, 07/13/2005.
Subject: Nails in the Fence
Content:
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Received from Matt Marler, 07/13/2005.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Old Emails I Like #18: Friends
I've always liked these fun kind of thingies. I think there's a word for them, but I can't think of it right now.
Subject: Friends
Content:
....... A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Received from Susan Gray, 02/04/2003.
Subject: Friends
Content:
....... A Friend....
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
Received from Susan Gray, 02/04/2003.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Old Emails I Like #17: Dogs & Cats
This is so true. I understand this letter completely, since I grew up with a multitude of cats and dogs. But please don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to the bundle of joy that is entering our lives.
Subject: Dogs & Cats
Content:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it fur-niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell their children.
Received from Matt Marler, 06/28/2005.
Subject: Dogs & Cats
Content:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it fur-niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell their children.
Received from Matt Marler, 06/28/2005.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Old Emails I Like #16: Weird Things
I'm not sure if you wish you never knew some of this stuff or not. I certainly found a lot of them fairly interesting. Maybe one of you can disprove one or two of them?
Subject: Weird Things You Wish You Never Knew!!
Content:
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left-handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
* Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
* And she would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
* You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
Reveived from Rachel Stevens, 12/06/2002.
Subject: Weird Things You Wish You Never Knew!!
Content:
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!
* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
* All polar bears are left-handed.
* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
* Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
* And she would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
* You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
Reveived from Rachel Stevens, 12/06/2002.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Old Emails I Like #15: Money
Another short one today. I thought it was pretty witty. :)
Subject: Money
Content:
Money
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
It often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend.
As your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.
So send me all your money.......... And I will suffer for you.
Received from Michael Bentley, 02/16/2003.
Subject: Money
Content:
Money
It can buy a House...............But not a Home
It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock................But not Time
It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge
It can buy you a Position......But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
It can buy you Blood............But not Life
It can buy you Sex..............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
It often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend.
As your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.
So send me all your money.......... And I will suffer for you.
Received from Michael Bentley, 02/16/2003.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Old Emails I Like #14: You Might Believe This
I'm don't always believe "true stories" when they come in emails. But somehow, I don't doubt that this has happened; I've worked with folks like this. And they are not on Facebook.
Subject: You're Not Going To Believe This
Content:
This a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care dept.. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
Help Desk: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with word perfect?"
Help Desk: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Help Desk: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Help Desk: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Help Desk: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Help Desk: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Help Desk: "Can you see the C: prompt on your screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Help Desk: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Help Desk: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Help Desk: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Help Desk: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes I think so."
Help Desk: "Great follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Help Desk: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, or just one?"
Caller: "No."
Help Desk: "Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay,here it is."
Help Desk: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it plugged securely into the back of you computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Help Desk: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Help Desk: "Even if you maybe put you knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle---it's because it's dark."
Help Desk: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Help Desk: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Help Desk: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Help Desk: "A power..... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals, and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Help Desk: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Help Desk: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Help Desk: "Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer."
Received from Matt Marler, 05/14/2005.
Subject: You're Not Going To Believe This
Content:
This a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording, monitoring the customer care dept.. Needless to say the Helpdesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
Help Desk: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with word perfect?"
Help Desk: "What sort of trouble?"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Help Desk: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Help Desk: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Help Desk: "Nothing?"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Help Desk: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Help Desk: "Can you see the C: prompt on your screen?"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Help Desk: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Help Desk: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Help Desk: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?"
Caller: "I don't know."
Help Desk: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Caller: "Yes I think so."
Help Desk: "Great follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Help Desk: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, or just one?"
Caller: "No."
Help Desk: "Well there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay,here it is."
Help Desk: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it plugged securely into the back of you computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Help Desk: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Caller: "No."
Help Desk: "Even if you maybe put you knee on something and lean way over?"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle---it's because it's dark."
Help Desk: "Dark?"
Caller: "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Help Desk: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Help Desk: "No? Why not?"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Help Desk: "A power..... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals, and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Help Desk: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Help Desk: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Help Desk: "Tell them you are too stupid to own a computer."
Received from Matt Marler, 05/14/2005.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Old Emails I Like #13: The Dart Test
You might see what's coming as you start reading this email. I've probably wanted to throw darts at folks faces before, but I don't know that I've actually done it.
Subject: The Dart Test
Content:
A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day.
On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture. Sally's girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boy friend! Another friend drew a picture of his little brother.
Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats.
As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.
Underneath the Target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced. Dr. Smith said only these words...
"In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me." Matthew 25:40.
Received from Crystal Turner, 03/22/2003.
Subject: The Dart Test
Content:
A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day.
On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture. Sally's girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boy friend! Another friend drew a picture of his little brother.
Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats.
As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.
Underneath the Target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced. Dr. Smith said only these words...
"In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me." Matthew 25:40.
Received from Crystal Turner, 03/22/2003.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Old Emails I Like #12: Life and Noah's Ark
There's nothing special about this one; just a goody.
Subject: n/a
Content:
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark .
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...
Received from Matt Marler, 03/28/2005.
Subject: n/a
Content:
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark .
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven : No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...
Received from Matt Marler, 03/28/2005.
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